Spoiled dog

 

Chapter 1. Awake

 He awoke to alarms and bright lights that made no sense. For a moment the astronaut remembered the edges of a dream where the stars were so bright and cold. He felt the warmth of a woman's hand brush his face and felt sad to leave her behind for the claustrophobic and overwhelming present. A memory of music threatened to pull him back into the dark, but he swam towards the discordant and insistent call of the alarms that started to make some sense. He was awake and something was very wrong.

The computer was supposed to wake him slowly feeding him the drugs to wake his mind, nutrients and stimulants for his body, and then information he needed to get out of his sleepcoffin ready to take over his mission. He had trained half his life for this planned moment when he would climb out and see a hopefully habitable, but alien planet with his own eyes.  The computer would have seen it for years as he travelled and built an approach and mission plan.  The astronaut would then review the plan, adjust as needed, report back to earth and get to work.  That was the plan. That is what he had rehearsed till it was second nature. 

The alarms were wrong.  The dreams were wrong.  He was confused and weak.  Blinking was hard. Staying awake was a fight. The lights . . faded . . . and came back like a nightmare.  

He had trained for this kind of contingency plan of course.  Days of simulations for what to do if he had to wake suddenly and make quick decisions or repairs.  Many simulations had no winning solution, no way that he could fix the problem, but they all required him to start by deciding to fight through the fogginess of artificial sleep, disconnect himself from the machines, and choose to act, to do what he could, even if it was impossible and all he could do was try to send a message home.  Communication was a success, even if death was inevitable. 

So he decided to act. Step one in his emergency checklist complete.  Next figure out what kind of mess he was in so he could build the next steps to check off.

Finally writing the book I wish I could find

How do you find a book that isn’t lost, but half forgotten? I remember reading it. I swear I found it in the Boise Library where they had a shelf of popular books on the first floor near the check out desks. I can see the cover in my mind. It had an old computer terminal with letters in green and an old computer terminal font. In my memory, it said “Press enter. . .” But that can’t be the title, or else I could have found it. I don’t remember the author’s name. I don’t remember the character’s names.

My memory is not trustworthy though. I recently retold a story from that time to a friend that I remembered about his father losing his job and not telling anyone in the family. In my memory he went to the park or the library while he was looking for work, while spending down his savings and pretending that all was well. He was caught in the lie in my retelling of the story and the loss of their savings precipitated their move to Denver. My friend laughed and said that sounds like something his father would do, but that didn’t remember anything like that happening to them. Which of us is remembering wrong? I am assuming me. My own memory is full of holes and stories that have taken on a life independent of the truth.

The internet seems to have all of the information you could ever want. Wikipedia is a better encyclopedia than the World Book Encyclopedia that my mom bought from a travelling salesman. With Google I can find which restaurant has banh mi near Pikes Place Market and Amazon will send me the cord I have lost to charge my headphones in a day. But, I can’t find the book. I wrote about it once on my blog. I asked Reddit and Twitter and Facebook. No one seems to remember it like I do. Maybe in some forgotten database there is my library history from 1992 with the true title and author hidden in the list of sci fi books that I checked out. Maybe I just read it while I procrastinated doing my homework or waited for the bus? I don’t remember having the book at home or other places. Just there in the library.

I think of the book and its story at the most random times. There are moments that seem as real as my own memories, embedded in the times I have tried to find the book or debated making up my own. I remember the book being good enough that I would think other people would have read and remembered it.

The story is a fantastical one, not a profound book or a great one. If one day this finds its way to the original author, don’t take my description as criticism, only that it wasn’t something inspirational or intending to be the great American novel. It was just a fun story. It assumes the reader accepts the sci fi and fantastical elements of the story without too much of a skeptical eye.

It had an astronaut that comes back from a long and lonely trip to find Earth empty and abandoned. The people appear to have disappeared in an instance but without obvious violence. There are no bodies, just a mystery. He walks through the empty cities to find a broadcasted radio signal. The source of the signal is a library or an office. Inside the power is on, the transmitter on repeat with a simple message - Press Enter. The computer screen is waiting for someone to push the button.

Nothing happens when he pushes the button, except the story within the book. It is a flashback to the beginnings of the story to the protagonist - a young boy that has bad dreams. He dreams of a beautiful woman floating in space outside a broken colony ship. The stars are bright and too close to be real. Space feels cold and she talks to him in his dreams. He writes about his dreams on a 1990’s imagined version of an internet message board and obsesses about her being cold and alone in space. His obsession starts to interfere with his life and all he talks about is his beautiful girl floating alive in vacuum of space.

His worried mother seeks treatment for his obsession as it becomes a mental illness. The treatment is an experimental drug that was used to help soldiers with PTSD forget and recover. He seems to forget and goes back to his normal life, but he is wounded and sad.

This starts him on a path that ends with him becoming the reason why the Earth is empty and the astronaut is reading this story with us. The astronaut has a choice and a job to do that requires him to believe and act on the fantastical story to bring everyone back. It is a New Agey magic mixed with sci fi elements.

I remember moments from this story with great detail, but large chunks are missing. I would love to read this book again. Maybe I would be disappointed, that it required too much suspension of disbelief or that the characters weren’t likable. Maybe the story has leaps of logic or tedious bits that I skimmed over. But, since I can’t find it and I have the framework of the plot in my mind still after 30 years, I plan to write what I remember of the book instead of randomly searching Google for it.

Is this fan fiction? Kind of, but a fan fiction for a story that only I remember. A book for a fan base of one - me. It is more of a retelling I guess.

Is this plagiarism? I hope not. I doubt it could be proven to be since I don’t have the book in front of me and if I did I wouldn’t be trying to write it myself. The names and details are all my own. The arc of the story might not even match the book, if it exists. It is the best that I can do to write the book that I think I might have read on a day at the library when my friend’s father probably wasn’t there pretending to go to work at a job that he didn’t have because that memory doesn’t check out. It didn’t happen and since I can’t trust my life to be real, I guess that means that maybe this book is one that I invented all by myself.

If as I write or if this is published and you are reading this thinking - this sounds awfully familiar and you know the book - please send me the actual author and title. If you are the author, my apologies for butchering your book as I remember it. I hope you see this as the praise I mean it to be.