18 months later - Update after leaving the LDS church

As I was riding in to work today, I was thinking about trying changes in my life this last year and about what I needed to do today. Maybe it was the procrastination talking, maybe it was the beautiful cool morning ride with almost no traffic, but I had kind of this moment of inspiration, where I thought of how to talk about changes in my life since leaving the Mormon/LDS/Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints.

Just before Easter, Mar 2021, we went to church - like we pretty much have done all of my life, every single week. The year before had been disrupted by covid and we had been mostly attending zoom sacrament meetings, but things were opening back up. The Stake presidency/High Council talk that week was about being “All the Way In.” Leila and I went for a walk afterwards and I wanted to know what that meant for us. I had been having a faith crisis for a while - and wasn’t sure what that meant for our family or for Leila. In a life changing moment we decided that we were actually out. We would leave the church. We talked and talked about why and what that would mean for a week or two before deciding to tell the kids at dinner on my birthday. Why on my birthday - I don’t know. It made the day kind of weird. Certainly not the conversation we usually have after cake and presents.

From there we talked to the bishop, people in the ward, and our families. But I haven’t written about it for social media, in part because I didn’t want to be confrontational about it and I wasn’t sure how to put it all in context. So here is my attempt to do that.

First, because I am me - a diagram, then definition of terms and then a FAQ like explanation.

Definitions

Self	Community	World
Identity	Family	Nature
Morals	Intimate partners	Environment
Feelings and Thoughts	Friends	History
Actions	Colleagues	Culture
	Neighbors	Economics
	Parasocial/online community

Examples of interactions

1. Self x Community - How we act and what we choose to do with other people. How we act in relationships, friendships, work relationships.
2. Self x World - Where we live and work, decisions about how we interact with the natural world. What we value and choose to do with resources - agriculture, development, garden, house, how we travel, where we travel, hobbies, etc.
3. World x Community - Stuff the community does to influence the world, or things that the world influences the actions of the community. For example: Governments, politics, culture, language, selection, adaptation, technology, history, pollution, agriculture, climate change.
4. Self x Community x World - That is all the things I do or have done - a combination of interactions between inner and external life. Who I am at work and school and home. If there is an answer for how and why I act the way I do it hides in this combination of my self, our community, and our world.

Why did I leave the LDS church

1.         Self - Ultimately, my identity, morals, thoughts and feelings began to be in conflict with the doctrines of the church. I no longer was able internally to “doubt my doubts” - I began to see things in the church and its teachings that conflicted with what I understood was true and right. The process of this faith crisis/deconstruction and the details of this I am happy to talk about for hours and hours, but isn't particularly unique to me.  The things that I struggled with were things a lot of people are challenged with - the history of racism, patriarchy, and polygamy, the truth claims of mormon prophets and scripture, my belief and doubts about god, and what I believed was right and wrong. 

        I can remember the moment where I felt like I was breaking - I was standing in our room, next to the closet, crying, trying to tell Leila about my concerns and my feelings about the church, and she told me - you know, it is OK to not believe.  And once I let that be an option, that I knew that was what was right for me now. 

2.         Community - I have heard people say that the people in the church aren’t perfect, but the church is. I think the opposite may be more true. I love the people and community that I had in the LDS church and there were points in my life where they were life saving and essential. For example, when my parents were divorced and we needed help - our ward was there for us. BYU was good for me. My mission in Nicaragua was a lot of things, but I met so many people that I loved there. Then, I met my wonderful wife and we had a family together. Our wards have been safe places where I found a lot of friends and support my whole life. I felt like I owed the church allegiance for all of that support in my past.

        But, there were problems in the church and its community, like misogyny, racism, and intolerance, from the institution and its history that began to erode that allegiance. My children did not feel that same connection, especially my LGBT children that did not feel like they could be accepted there. I could see the strain on my wife and daughters from patriarchal gender roles and expectations. I didn’t fit those either. I found I disagreed with the leaders of the church about gender, sexuality, and how it defined itself as the “one and true church”. I started to feel like it would be better to leave than stay.

3.         World - There is a scripture in the Book of Mormon that says that all things testify of Christ and sometimes that is what I was taught to believe about the church.  But many things in the world didn't fit with the teachings and actions of the church. Evolution made a lot more sense than the creation myths.  The Book of Mormon, Abraham, and Moses - uniquely LDS scripture's truth claims weren't supported from all the things I learned about the world. The history of the church was not as simple and faith promoting as I learned in the church.  I found the stories of polygamy and the beliefs of the prophets really hard to support.  The culture of like Utah and Idaho Mormons is sometimes criticized, but it grows out of the doctrines and teachings of the church that I didn't like.  The economics of the church's finances was a huge blow to my testimony.  When I learned the extent of church's reserves of stocks, real estate, and for profit business, I was shook.  

Why did we all leave the LDS church

Everyone has own story that I am not sure is my place to tell here.  That is why I just talked about my thoughts and feelings. In general, the older kids all had their own issues with church doctrine, practices and history. Some had already decided that they didn't believe, and just hadn't told us.  Once we were at dinner and one of the girls asked kind of out of the blue, "Was it OK that Joseph Smith married someone that was like 14 years old?" I said I didn't think so and they kind of nodded and dinner conversation wandered back to normal small talk. Others felt as LGBT youth that the church wasn't an accepting place for them.  For others, it was a lot easier to do other fun things on Sunday instead of church.

In March 2021, when Leila and I started intensely debating whether we would stay or leave and what that meant for our family and when we talked to the kids, we allowed the kids to choose their level of activity, but we wanted to also set some boundaries.  That was mainly what we had to talk to the bishop about.  Mostly, the ward has been great at that.  I can tell at points that there are questions about what is going on with the Gardunia's and some leaders really would like to try and reactivate the kids, but for now none of us are attending. 

What has changed?

1. Self - It has been the biggest of changes, and the smallest of changes.  Mostly I think my identity, morals, ideas, etc. haven't changed, but internally I have spent a ton of my brain space deconstructing and thinking about the church and what I still believe and what I don't.  A huge part of my identity was defined by being a member of the church and my roles that I played there and I still carry all those past versions of myself. The biggest revelation is that even with abandoning those roles, that I am still me and a me that I like.  My sense of right and wrong is mostly the same - although I have started drinking tea and coffee regularly and occasionally alcohol.  I realize just how judgmental I was of others and it is freeing to let that go.  That has helped I think improve my relationship with my children - especially Emily and her girlfriend, and reveals some painful shortcomings that I have had. My core values though are the same -  I still want to be the best father, spouse, friend, and plant breeder in the world. 
2. Community - I miss my friends from church and that community.  I don't think it is intentional on anyone's part to grow apart, but the church keeps everyone so busy and I am busy.  There just isn't time to add extra effort to keep in touch the same without the weekly and regular touchpoints that came from activity in the church.  We have tried to be better connected to people in the neighborhood and our family.  A huge part of my time is still swallowed by work unfortunately.  I still consider myself in a way part of that community of people and this hasn't changed that.  So please don't let this change in my life deter you from reaching out or connecting. 
3. World - in the end, the church is just a small fraction of the world, although it felt like a huge percentage when I was in it.  Me leaving the church hasn't seemed to make much impact either way on either the church or the world, but the biggest change is trying to reevaluate my interactions with the world of history, philosophy, culture, and economics.  For a concrete example - where to donate money now.  Most of my charitable donations went to the church for 45 years.  Do I donate the same amount to other places? if so where?  Still trying to figure that out but mostly supporting environmental and social organizations that I think are doing some good in the world.