Art goals for 2022

 

I need to draw more.  2002 I drew almost every day.  

2021 Social media thoughts

 I have liked facebook on the whole, but it isn't always good for me. I spend time on it to procrastinate sometimes. I find myself getting upset and riled up about political or social media controversies that seem designed for my ADHD brain. It sucks me in.

I have spent some time trying to make this a better place for me. In part I have refrained on commenting on political things - except on Ann Wagner's dumb posts, but she is my representative so I guess I have just one venue for political trolling. The last few years years of the Trump presidency it was clear my political engagement online wasn't good for me or anyone else I also have not posted that much and decided to post from instagram and to put less of my life in the social media frame. I love the way John Green (vlogbrothers) has discussed framing with social media. This has been helpful, but it means there is stuff going on with my life that I haven't shared here. So please reach out and keep in touch. I have a bunch of social media accounts now. I have been posting my work/genetics thoughts on Twitter (@BrianGardunia) and have longer personal thoughts and writing still on my blog (Graduategrumblings.blogspot.com). Even though that is a public blog, I tend to write quite personal things there, but I have stopped using it for daily/weekly regular updates. For example, I have not written about leaving the church here on Facebook. LinkedIn tends to be a spam creator, but it was really useful for trying to recruit people for Bayer/Monsanto and looking for jobs. I don't make videos and tiktok is like cocaine for my ADD brain so I have avoided that platform. The question I have is still how I will continue to use facebook or instagram. Should I stop, when do I stop? Another area that is obvious with social media platforms is that they are commercial money making machines where we as users are part of the product they are selling. Ads are part of the experience and definitely part of what makes Facebook/Google/Twitter/etc money. The social media platform cares more about them than us. Users are really data mining opportunities for ads and sales. I don't love this about social media. To make it more bearable, I have been aggressive about manipulating the algorithm by clicking consistently on certain kinds of ads. Facebook is now full of three kinds of ads for me: 1. Language apps - especially Natakallam a nonprofit that leverages refugees to teach languages like Arabic. 2. Shoe ads - I like shoes. I started clicking on shoe ads now almost 10 years ago when I tried to get tickets to a sold out Brandi Carlile concert at a resort in Mexico that was part of a lesbian travel package. I started getting ads for gay and lesbian cruises and thought maybe clicking on shoe ads would make a very vanilla adscape I could ignore easily. 3. Native American news - I started on this rabbit hole last year at the end of the Trump administration as a way to still get news but from a different lens that didn't make my blood pressure boil. Highly recommend. There are a lot of interesting things I have learned by filling my feed with Native American news and art. This is certainly long enough that it shouldn't be on Facebook. I will copy to my blog and elaborate there, but I wanted to post here to see what the conversation could be about how you are managing what you keep in the frame for social media and how you consume and use social media. What do you do to better manage your time, your profile, and how social media affects your life? https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TZgkUUEf56s

Tick tick tick

Decision making in a commercial breeding program - BrIN Learning Series

If you ever thought - "man, I wished there was an hour long recording of Brian giving a powerpoint presentation about his job I could watch. . . " You are in luck.

I presented to a group at the international breeding and seedbank centers around the globe and they recorded the presentation.

I was staying at a friends cabin in Colorado and so it is early in the morning as I sat on the porch. I didn't realize they were recording the session until I started talking and I had modified an existing presentation, which I should have run past legal for approval, but didn't. So I was nervous and then my computer died right at the end so it is by no means a TED talk.

The Wizarding World, Muggles and Mormons

Becca and I finished the Harry Potter series in record time this last year due to you know - Covid19.  I am convinced that J.K. Rowling actually is magic.  Harry Potter is totally entrancing and each of my kids has totally fallen in love with reading because of it.  They also have confessed that they have waited on their birthdays for possibly, maybe, but seriously hoping they were getting a letter from Hogwarts.  Because they also want to be wizards. 

This time through the series, something struck me.  There is a dark substory.  The backstory to why Voldemort and the Deatheaters even come to power and that war is a disturbing one. It is Dumbledore's dark past too.  Harry is mixed up in this as he is destined to confront Voldemort and bring balance to the force - sorry wrong series - that is Anakin Skywalker. After a lifetime of abuse from his adopted parents and brother, he is thrilled to learn on his 11th birthday that he is not like them; he is a wizard.  This is thrilling because it not only gives him an escape from his life, but opens the door to a secret and magical world. He is a mix of savior and counter to Voldemort's dark aims - he befriends repeatedly halfbloods, but he is just as set apart from the muggle world.  But he offers a better way to be set apart and yet not be an enemy to the rest of the world. 

There is a dark side to this world though. Magical people internalize this separateness and see their secret knowledge and power make them different and better than their nonmagical neighbors.  They call the majority non-magical people muggles or mudbloods.  They want to restrict marriages between them to keep their race pure.  Their racist attitudes are built into the mythology and the history of their school.  It is the fight between Slytherin and the other founders.  This is the evil that is behind Voldemort.  He is just the face of that intolerance.  And unfortunately, it really didn't end with his death. 

I see some echoes of that in Evangelical and Mormon theology.  It may be behind our own racist past and led to the denial of the priesthood and temple ordinances to black members all the way to the 1970s. I am not saying it was an inevitable result, but it is the soil that these kind of dangerous ideologies grow in.  I see it in our political movements as well - polarization and separation of news sources, people having social and political bubbles, "America first", anti immigrant rhetoric, weaponizing patriotic language

1. Magical world view - expanded cosmology, nature, and apocalyptic world view, a rejection of science. Our religion was founded by this kind of thinking - Book of Mormon was translated with a rock and they used divining rods, etc. for trying to scry god's will.  Plus I worry that planning for a savior to come and solve the problems for us in a Millenial conflict keeps us from really addressing the problems we have.  
2. Secret knowledge and levels -  Temple, second endowment, but it also levels of priesthood and church callings.  The hierarchical thinking about knowledge and transparency.  I think this is one of the reasons the LDS church stopped revealing results of its audits.  It does them, but it isn't open to the whole body of the church.  It is need to know information. But this kind of culture makes it relatively easy to suppress and ignore past history that is negative.  Just shut that away because it will hurt people's faith and keep that knowledge to the people who are in higher levels and can handle it. 
3. Set apart - being a Chosen people means others are not chosen. In Harry Potter, you literally get a special invitation and come to a secret school in a secret location. But it means that the magical community is isolated even when surrounded by muggle towns and neighbors. It would have been such a different book if they had banded together with muggles to fight Voldemort. For us in the LDS church, it also means that we aren't fully in our communities.  Think about even the language we use to describe ourselves - a ward family, brother, sister, gentile, active, inactive, apostate, nonmember, investigator.  We are invested heavily in our church lives - activities, seminary, church, missions, church schools, social networks, business networks, etc.  And it enables us to be separate to be a holy and peculiar people, but it may mean we aren't truly invested in our communities.  It means we see the rest of the world as other. 
4. Power and authority reinforced through social control - In Harry Potter they have separate schools, a separate ministry, different shops, etc.  And Voldemort isn't the only enemy to Harry - it is the ministry itself that is trying to hold on to power and keep control and although they are against Voldemort - the worst of embodiment of the separatism that keeps Muggles out of their lives, they justify plenty of terrible actions to keep power and maintain their isolation.  And they do it out of love - out of trying to do their best to keep their culture and their people safe. 

Harry Potter shows a better alternative to Voldemort - embracing people that are diverse and different within his community - Hermione, Hagrid, Firenze, Lupin, Dobby, Kreacher, the goblin in the last book, Buckbeak, even the ghosts at the school and the captured dragon in Gringotts, and all of his friends that are kind of different and unique. He wins not because he is a better magician than Voldemort, but because he in the end has help from all the people on the fringes - even the Malfoys that are kind of apostate Death Eaters by the end.  But they are still all within the magical world.  I would love to see another series of books on what happens if they were exposed.  What if Hogwarts students went to a regular school - and say learned math and history instead of Muggle studies and Arithmancy.  What if they used technology and magic together.  

What does this mean for me?  As we have stepped back from our safe Mormon world during this year, it is a scary muggle world out there.  I loved feeling like I was part of a special, set apart generation, saved for these latter days. I went to BYU - the closest Mormon thing to Hogwarts and have been set apart for many callings since.  I have been embedded in this set apart community and it has been my culture, my history, and a safe place.  It gave me roles and heroes to build my life around. I see my kids chaffing against those expectations though.  And maybe it is time to start to build more connection with the rest of the world. 

References

American segregation https://www.wizardingworld.com/writing-by-jk-rowling/rappaports-law-en

https://boaporg.wordpress.com/2013/02/17/muggles-mormons-and-theology/

Bach memories

Link for Yascha Heiffitz playing my favorite Bach: Link

When I was in fifth grade I remember having a pen pal at school.  My teacher had another classroom from Brooklyn that wrote us letters.  We were each paired up with a student in that class.  I don't remember the name of the kid I wrote to.  I remember really clearly him asking me if I liked Run DMC and I am pretty sure I told him that I liked running and playing a lot but I didn't what what DMC was.  I asked him if he liked Bach. I had a tape collection of classical music - it wasn't very big, but I played the Bach and Beethoven tapes over and over again. He had no idea what I was talking about. It made me realize that I might be a wierd kid.  

I wish I could find those old letters.  It would be fun to track down the boy that I wrote to see what happened with his life 30 years later.  I wonder if he remembers that strange kid from Teton, ID. 

I am a poor letter correspondent I am afraid - even on my mission I was sporadic about writing, but that was when I have done the best.  I enjoy keeping in touch with people and it is important to me, but I don't always do what is needed to maintain those connections.  One of my oldest friends is a monk now and writes me occasionally and I know he would write more if I were better at writing back.  I really value connection and long term friendships, and keep trying to put down roots somewhere.  At the same time though I feel a need to move to go new places and do new things and sabotage myself.  Even now I feel this itch to get out of St Louis and move somewhere new.  

So if you haven't heard from me in a while, know that I mean well and look forward to the next time we see each other in person.  And if you want a good pen pal, you should totally write to Becca.  She sends letters out every week to her friends and anyone that writes to her.  

24 Hours of Reality: "Earthrise" by Amanda Gorman

Amanda Gorman really stood out to me at the inauguration. The three moments that made me cry were when Vice President Harris walked out with the capital police officer that helped protect senators, when Jennifer Lopez called out in Spanish, and during Amanda Gorman's poem. 

This video is another of her poems from a few years ago as a call to action to do something about climate change.  I want to do something about climate change.  I worry about it so much, like an unhealthy amount.  I see it in the change in diseases and pests, in our warmer winters, in dying trees. I bought an electric car a few years ago and since my accident have not replaced it, instead relying on public transportation and my bike, and in the last year mostly working from home.  I related so much to this reply all podcast. 

But, I want to do more.  I think we must do more.  

Yesterday, we had a seminar at work about climate change that left me for the first time hopeful.  The speaker at Bayer - a professor in agriculture and climate change made a pretty convincing case that agriculture can truly help reduce greenhouse gases.  Here were roughly his conclusions:

1. Carbon-negative farming techniques - banking organic matter in soil.  These include: cover crops, no-till, optimal nitrogen fertilizer applications, and bioenergy crops.  I am a little skeptical that bioenergy crops are the solution, and he didn't talk about coproduction of wind and solar energy as part of farming.  There are a lot of windmills going up throughout the Midwest and I think with better energy storage and local energy utilization methods they could be a key component of sustainable carbon-negative farming techniques. 
2. Agriculture will be a major player for good or for ill in climate change.  Think storing carbon while producing food vs chopping down rainforest for soybean fields.  Runoff of Nitrogen, phosphorous, and soil into rivers and the ocean vs efficiently converting that into organic matter - improved soils, feed, food for livestock and people. 
3. Technologies available now
• Nitrous oxide abatement - precision N application and management
• Carbon sequestration - Cover crops, no till
• Cellulosic bioenergy - He didn't count this but anytime we can use all the biomass for animal feed that has to be better than grain fed systems.
4. Areas for research
• Plant N use efficiency
• Increased carbon sequestration - more roots, stabilization, better capture of organic matter in the soil
5. References
• Syswerda et al. 2011
• Basso, Shuai, Zhang and Robertson 2019 Sci Reports
• Prin 2004
• Robertson 2012
• Tian et al. 2016
• Global Carbon Budget

Gardunia's in 2020

Merry Christmas and looking forward to the New Year!

So this was a year. . . So much seemed to happen this year that we weren't really expecting.  Going into January we were expecting to start preparing to move to Scotland and thinking about all the changes that would bring.  I travelled to Mexico for meetings at CIMMYT and did not expect that to be end of my travel for 2020. I had tickets purchased even for trips to Africa, Scotland, and Mexico that were never used. Then as we got closer to March, it was beginning to look like Covid was going to disrupt those plans.  I started working from home.  The kids activities were cancelled, school moved virtual, and I must have checked the covid monitoring site at John's Hopkins a billion times.  

Although there were rough spots globally - climate change effects on wildfires, melting glaciers, and environment, all the protests for racial justice and equality, all the election craziness, this was a year that we were able to learn a lot of new things. I went skiing for the first time.  Aleah mastered beading and bread making.  Emily has really leaned into ceramics.  Leila has been working on new patterns sponsored by Michael Miller fabrics along with YouTube video tutorials, paper patterns, and distributing to fabric stores.  Colleen at the beginning of the year took gymnastics, rock climbing, and now has joined the swim team.  Kate programmed actively on Scratch this summer and has loved using the wacom pad to do graphic art.  Becca and I read a ton of books this year - all of the Harry Potter books, Narnia, and so many others.  She also has become the best pen pal, writing letters to her friends from school. 

Interviews with the kids about this year below - minimally edited for clarity.  

Becca

Best - Wild Kratts autograph - they wrote her back and sent a signed post card. First letter from Cindy, going to the cabin. Calling Esther and writing letters. Visiting Cindy. Making tamales. 

Worst - pollution and covid

School - Zoom, independent study always having to wear masks

Media - Wild Kratts, SheRa, Gravity Falls, Hilda, audiobooks on Epic and Sora. 

Books - Serpents secret, Harry Potter, Narnia, Wolves of the Beyond, Frog and Toad

Kate

Best - playing with Nora and the Gardunia/Cannon Bubble.  Making cookies, brownie recipe - double chocolate from Martha Stewart's Cookies. 

Favorite memory - Nora and Kate made a really huge cookie.  Added too much milk and then mixed too much.  Bubbled in the oven and then put it in ice cream

School: Online - likes being able to manage self - own space and can take breaks. Doesn't like that it is more fact-based and less experiential because harder to show, see, and experiment online. 

Worst - wildfires, covid19

Video: Dr Who - Top recommendation, Sherlock, Shera - Catra + Adora forever, Nightvale, webtoon, Scratch, 

Music: Dode, Alex Benjamin, AJR

Books: SuperNova, Renegades, Life of Pi, Last Wings of Fire book

Aleah

Best - bread and beading. Favorite bread: Rosemary focaccia https://www.americastestkitchen.com/recipes/6144-rosemary-focaccia

Favorite memory of the year - getting the robot through the maze in robotics

Worst - quarantine and the library being closed.

Recs - Mandalorian, Magnus Archives, Wolf 359, Alice isn't Dead, Gravity Falls, House on Mango St, webtoons, 

Colleen

Best - in school at the beginning of the year and going to the cabin this summer. New hobbies - Swimming hard - 2 hr practices 4-5 days a week.  Gymnastics and climbing last spring. Zoom meetings and wacom pad. Pride Month and black lives matter on YouTube

Worst - staying at home for covid19, six grade camp cancelled. Time doesn't make any sense

Media - Good Place, Gilmore Girls, The Office, Parks and Rec, DeAngelo Wallace, the Come-up

Internet - webtoons, Sora, Zoom, Spotify

Books - Cassie West, reading Land of Stories with Becca, Hunger Games, Cinder, Matched, Allie Carter

Music - Ariana Grande, Billie Eilish, Melanie Martinez, Olivia Obrien, Haley Steinfield, B. Miller

Looking forward to covid vaccine, going back to school, life not being so boring.  

Emily

I didn't interview her for this -  I can't believe she is already 20 years old!!  She continues to do well at Truman.  She lives off campus and has been working at Starbucks and HyVee. Celia, her girlfriend, did her basic training for the army this fall. She has been focusing on ceramics - making a bunch of pots, cups, mugs, planters, and next year will work in the ceramics studio part time.  Check out her instagram for all of her art and updates. 

Leila

Best - Hanging out with family , quarter system at highschool made it easier, especially with online, pool opened this summer, working out almost every day this year - Jillian Michael's Kickbox and youtube: SugarPop. Lots of walks in the neighborhood. Food recomendations - Aleah's bread, Cheesy eggs - 1/2 onion, bell pepper, cheese, 3 eggs. Pero + hot chocolate

Worst - The stay-at-home orders, spring virtual school, election stress, constant uncertainty, school start, constant change with not enough info.  Business has been a little stagnant.  

Quarantine hobbies - historical costuming - started making shift and stays.  would love to go to Versaille costume party 2021. 

Rec Podcasts - Code Switch, Nice white Parents, No Compromise, Throughline.  

Media - Historic clothing videos: Abby Cox, Bernadette Banner, Fashion Justine.  Exercise - Sugarpop fitness. TV - Wolfblood, Poldark, Community, The Crown, The Good Place, Sherlock with Kate at night.  

Looking ahead to 2021 - New block of the month pattern, paper patterns for sale, 6 new patterns, following more activists and quilters. 

Brian

If you made it this far, more about my year. 

Good -  Skiing, long bike rides, and hiking with friends. Trump losing the election over and over again. Working from home and online school went a lot better than I thought it would.  No wasting time commuting to work and cutting work travel meant I was home more - no more staying late at work or being out of town.  I have a new job - getting to focus on one crop, mostly, and also on becoming a better leader and scientist.  I can't say I am not appreciated at work any more.  I really feel like this is a chance to build a team and really do something exciting with cotton this next year. 

I did all the quarantine hobbies - bread - still trying to perfect sourdough rye, gardening, made furniture, faith crisis, running.  I got a new bike and rode the Katy trail and some longer rides to the Arch or to the Mississippi river. I went with a friend last week, crashed, and was totally wore out at like mile 35 - so more work to do.  I blame it on getting old. . . 

Bad - Not moving to Scotland, depression, doubts and losing faith in my religion, anxiety and stress about future and the election.  It is crazy to me that Trump and many of his party refuse still to accept the results of the election. 

Just not being able to make plans.  I totally agree with Colleen time seems to be faster and slower than I expect.  I miss being with people from work, from church, or even just strangers - I miss things like parades, concerts, races, working out at the gym, talking to friends in the cafeteria at work, and all the interpersonal random conversations that seem so impossible now.  

Next year - Hard to really seriously make plans, but thinking about cotton genetics, building a new team, and travel to either UK or New Zealand this summer as part of collaboration with AbacusBio.  I think we will try to go as a family and stay for a couple of months.  I would like to do some more long distance swimming events - maybe all of the Saturday swims at Simpson Lake and then a long distance race this summer?  

Recommendations:

Media - The Expanse Season 4 and 5 were so good.  The Mandalorian was better then the last Star Wars movies.  Youtube: VlogBrothers, The Microcosm, Pitch Meeting, Yale courses online - The Philosophical Foundations of Politics, New Testament History, The Science of Wellbeing.

Plays: The Band's Visit

Music - Brandi Carlile, STL 

Books - I reread mostly old favorites - The Chosen - Chaim Potok, Ursula LeGuin - The Left Hand of Darkness, The New Testament - translation by Thomas Wayment, The Man in the High Castle, Binti by Nnedi Okorafor, The Yiddish Policeman - Michael Chabon, Educated - Tara Westover, Stalin - Stephen Kotkin, Dune - in Spanish, Harry Potter series - English and Spanish, Plastic Magician and Spellbreaker by Charlie N Holmberg, The Curse of Chalion by Lois McMaster Bujold - Highly recommended, The Fated Sky - Mary Robinette, Murderbot series - Martha Wells, The legend of Hermana Plunge by Angela Liscom Clayton, Dragonback series - Timothy Zahn. 

Podcasts - El Hilo, RadioAmbulante, RadioLab, This is Uncomfortable, Reply All, Throughline, Dear Hank and John, Levar Burton Reads, The Anthropocene Reviewed, Nice White Parents, Preach.

Extra fun. Becca made this video about the cat.  She is getting older and moving slower.  She had a bad limp for most of the year as her arthritis was getting worse, but the new medicine seems to help. 

Can I submit an amicus brief to the Supreme Court?

 I would like to say Amen to Pennsylvania's brief to the latest Trump attempt at overturning the election results:

For their whole filing

From the introduction:

PRELIMINARY STATEMENT 

Since Election Day, State and Federal courts throughout the country have been flooded with frivolous lawsuits aimed at disenfranchising large swaths of voters and undermining the legitimacy of the election. The State of Texas has now added its voice to the cacophony of bogus claims. Texas seeks to invalidate elections in four states for yielding results with which it disagrees. Its request for this Court to exercise its original jurisdiction and then anoint Texas’s preferred candidate for President is legally indefensible and is an afront to principles of constitutional democracy. 

What Texas is doing in this proceeding is to ask this Court to reconsider a mass of baseless claims about problems with the election that have already been considered, and rejected, by this Court and other courts. It attempts to exploit this Court’s sparingly used original jurisdiction to relitigate those matters. But Texas obviously lacks standing to bring such claims, which, in any event, are barred by laches, and are moot, meritless, and dangerous. Texas has not suffered harm simply because it dislikes the result of the election, and nothing in the text, history, or structure of the Constitution supports Texas’s view that it can dictate the manner in which four other states run their elections. Nor is that view grounded in any precedent from this Court. Texas does not seek to have the Court interpret the Constitution, so much as disregard it.

Why is the Republican party and leaders standing by this attempt to deny the reality that Donald Trump lost this election?

Here is the statement from other states opposing this case:

1.  California, 
2. Colorado, 
3. Connecticut, 
4. Delaware, 
5. Guam, 
6. Hawaii, 
7. Illinois, 
8. Maine, 
9. Maryland, 
10. Massachusetts, 
11. Minnesota, 
12. Nevada, 
13. New Jersey, 
14. New Mexico, 
15. New York, 
16. North Carolina, 
17. Oregon, 
18. Rhode Island, 
19. Vermont, 
20. Virginia, 
21. U.S. Virgin Islands, and 
22. Washington

Here are the states supporting this case and their arguments:

1. Missouri, 
2. Alabama, 
3. Arkansas, 
4. Florida, 
5. Indiana, 
6. Kansas, 
7. Louisiana, 
8. Mississippi, 
9. Montana, 
10. Nebraska, 
11. North Dakota, 
12. Oklahoma, 
13. South Carolina, 
14. South Dakota, 
15. Tennessee, 
16. Utah, and 
17. West Virginia. 

106 Republican legislators also have submitted a statement supporting this case.  I won't list them all, but so disappointed to see this.  I was talking to my friend Young Wha about this case and it really does seem like we are living in different realities.  One where we live in a democracy, and another where loyalty to the president supersedes facts and where even the facts exist in an alternate reality.  

The other groups submitting documents in support of this case are evangelical christian groups - like https://thejusticefoundation.org/ that fights against "forced" abortions? A Christian family org?  Nothing this president has done deserves this support.  

Nothing in this election shows fraud, just that people were allowed to vote using mail in ballots. Which is crazy because so many states allowed mail in ballots and Trump won those states. List here. They aren't in this case.  

2020 so far

Like three months sped by, then we hit March and it has been a year. 

Civilization and the Lies We Love

Let's see if this actually works.  Blogger is getting buggier all the time. 

I have realized some of my favorite youtube/podcasters are as much sermons as they are entertainment.  John Green worked at a hospital as a chaplain.  LeVar Burton went to seminary to become a priest.  At the end of LeVar Burton reads for example, he talks about some of his challenges and experiences.  They are moments of vulnerability and insight that I am surprised at every time.  

You could easily make this into a Sunday talk - add a few scriptures and done.  I think there is such light and inspiration in so many places.  

Not Knowing It All

My name is Brian and I am a chronic know-it-all.  The character I most relate to from Harry Potter is Hermione Granger.  I built an academic and professional career out of being the guy with all the answers. For the last few years I have struggled with my faith, and landed in a place where I no longer know it all and I am beginning to feel like that is OK. 

I already wrote about my 11th grade English teacher, Mrs Olic-Hamilton.  She made us write and write, and we flew through a novel every couple of weeks.  She sent me home with her type writer so I could type my essays. I was way into that class.  Part way through the year she pulled me aside after class and asked me if I could do her a favor.  I was eager to help.  She asked if maybe I could wait to make comments in class until she called on me, that she appreciated that I had such "insightful" opinions, but that it would really help my fellow students if I would keep quiet most classes.  She promised me that if I waited for "especially tricky discussion points," she would call on me for "my insightful ideas."  I ate that stuff up, because I was also an insufferable know-it-all.

In college, my favorite class was Genetics taught by a graduate student (Polly Randall), while the professor was on leave.  It was such a great class.  Before each class I read all the chapters, did the homework, and came eager for the lecture.  Leila and I were in a study group together for the class. We usually sat together.  She used to wack me on leg and shoot me dirty looks during class because, and this is embarrassingly bad behavior, I would answer questions from students before Polly had a chance to.  That and I would roll my eyes and sigh when people had dumb questions.  Because I was also an impatient and annoying know-it-all.  

There are many other examples, but mostly as a grown up I try not to be an obnoxious know-it-all, but to leverage it to be a successful researcher and scientific leader in my very small and narrow field.  

Regarding religion, I did serve a mission for the LDS church and taught people that it was the one and only true religion on the face of the earth.  I had prayed about this and it felt . . OK.  I can't say I was totally sure even then, and I struggled to find where I believed.  I wanted to know.  

Sometimes I felt like I did.  And other times I certainly did not.  I almost didn't serve a mission.  I was at BYU and that seemed like the thing to do so I put in my papers. When you got your mission assignment and call in those days you were supposed to send back an acceptance letter.  I wrote mine declining the mission call, because I wasn't sure I was sure enough.  I didn't have the guts to actually mail it in though.  It sat in my backpack in the folder with my notes for a week or two.  One night my orchestra gave a fund raising concert for the BYU foundation and Pres. Hinckley was the keynote speaker.  I sat behind him with the letter like the telltale heart beating loud in my mind all night.  I felt so strongly that if he was a prophet, and he had called me on a mission, that I should go.  So after the concert I rewrote my letter and I went.  

I got to Nicaragua and dove into learning the language and teaching.  My mission was hard in lots of ways - I was sick a lot from parasites, living conditions were sometimes primitive, and there was always danger from crime and plenty of other risks from a country that was just getting on its feet after years of civil war and strife.  For example, the tallest building in Nicaragua then was a rather short skyscraper that was still broken and empty after the earthquake in the 1970's.  We didn't always have electricity or running water.  I was robbed multiple times, saw a lot of protests, and sometimes had to walk because the roads were blockaded.  But, we never lacked people to teach.  We were welcomed into people's homes and they were eager to learn about our religion.  Many did join. I loved teaching and felt like it was the right place for me to be, but even then there were questions and doubts that I had and set aside.  I saw the church grow from just a few members to be ready to have stakes in the short two years I was there. 

Then I came home, back to BYU, met Leila in that fateful genetics class, and flew through school.  I got a masters at BYU, then a PhD at TAMU. We had five daughters and one son stillborn and buried in Bryan, TX.  That was a low point in my faith.  I took that really hard.  My journal is silent though.  I didn't write.  I don't even have super clear memory of that time, but my memory of the feeling of the time is one of anger, bitterness, and not really finding comfort in my religion.  My bishop at the time made come comment about he knew that our son was in a better place and that he knew that we would see him again.  And if there was one thing I knew at that time it was that I didn't know that.  I felt like I had lost and I didn't feel the comfort of faith - the surety of knowing that there would be a second chance. 

But, life keeps churning and somehow I am now 43, and pretty sure that I don't know what I thought I knew about many things.  I look at my personal history and my church's history and there are many things that I find faith in, but then other things that are jarring.  I have doubts or problems with pretty much all of the LDS church essay problems: polygamy, the Church's racist past, Book of Mormon historical evidence, Book of Abraham translation and others like LDS 100+ billion dollar endowment or the church's LGBT policies or the crazy Adam-god stuff Brigham Young used to teach.  It shakes me.  I don't know today with the surety that I seemed to have when I was a 19 year old missionary.  I read some of my journal entries from those years and I was so sure of so much.  I have wanted to know with that kind of surety again, and I have felt guilty for doubting - for not doubting my doubts. 

I guess where I am now, after living with that guilt for a couple of years, is to let that guilt go. I can remember the sense of relief when I came to the simple conclusion that I didn't have to squeeze my beliefs into the box I felt like the Church had given me.   Maybe, it was OK not to know, or agree. Maybe not believing, was OK and I didn't have to doubt my doubts to have my faith. Though the consequence would be that accepting my beliefs that didn't fit in that box and not ignoring that or feeling like I should force them to. And I am beginning to feel like that is the right thing. It means I can disagree with the Church's stance or policies or doctrines.  I get to decide what I believe is true.  

Some of my doubts aren't really doubts even.  They are beliefs in themselves - like evolution.  For example, I don't really have doubts about Adam and Eve or Noah being real people, I am pretty sure that they were not.  That as myth there is meaning there, I believe, but I don't know if it is the same one I once thought it was.  Evidence shows that the earth is old, that plants and animals evolved over time, and that protohumans evolved in Africa and then spread throughout the world.  I don't know for sure, but that is what makes the most sense with what I know now. 

In true Know-it-all anonymous fashion, I am not sure where this will lead, but I think it is better to not know it all, than to be a know-it-all.  

Explaining the Pandemic to my Past Self Part 2

Parasites, cholera, dengue fever, and Covid19

The other thing I keep thinking about with Covid19 is my mission in Nicaragua.I had a great mission.  It was fun, it was life changing.  I made friendships that changed my life in so many ways.  I lived in Nicaragua from 1996 to 1998. the economy was still a mess and the church was really new.  We had a short period where we had to stay home and not go out because of unrest around the elections in our area, but mostly I think about how disease impacted me personally and the economy.

I was sick most of my mission.  I had diarrhea from intestinal parasites, E. coli, Giardia,  or food poisoning pretty much the entire time. The lowest moment was when I was in Grenada about half way through and it was really hard. I was also leading the mission district, the church district and the branch. We had almost no local leaders - the district president had used all of his budget to help a family whose son committed suicide and then tried to cover for that by using all of the budget from the branches, and then tried to cover that up and made such a mess. One of branch presidents confessed to me that he had an affair and that she was pregnant. Another had invested the budget to keep it out of the district presidents hands into the local farm coop, which went bankrupt.  His daughter was also either possessed or severely mentally ill. He was probably mentally ill. His whole family had a history of violence and hechizeria. That is a long story in itself. We ended up releasing all of them and calling all new leaders and I was stuck with the job of finding those new leaders. 

The other missionaries just added to my stress. Elder Hernandez, a missionary in my district, hated me and tried his best to make me look bad and to make my life miserable. One of the missionaries that I lived with tried to kill himself and then ran away to Honduras. All of that on top of being so sick. I was losing weight. I had a cough that wouldn't go away, diarrhea, a skin rash, and a fever that simmered and kept me awake at night.  My companions during this time were pretty good, but between my health and the stress I was breaking. I wasn't sleeping and physically I was falling apart. At the worst point, I dropped to almost 110 lbs and must have looked like I was dying. The mission president's wife saw us while she was driving to Managua, pulled over, ordered us into the car and drove me straight to the hospital.  At the hospital the doctor checked my symptoms - fungal infection on my skin, in my lungs, parasites, bacterial and amoeba infections, and losing weight. Plus on top of that I had gotten this terrible, terrible haircut so I looked like Tom Hanks from the end of Philadelphia. He came to the only logical conclusion - I must have HIV.  I did not have HIV.  He checked. But, I did get medicine for all of the things, and orders to stay at the mission home until I had gained some weight and got some help dealing with all of the mess in my area.  

I did get better, but we were usually dealing with one of us being sick - sometimes with malaria, dengue fever, but mostly intestinal problems from bad water or food. We worked at hospitals as volunteers and saw a lot of really sick people. One of my areas was hit pretty hard with cholera.  The water system was a mess and so we only had running water a few hours at a time.  Many people used river water or contaminated well water. The river in Matagalpa was bad enough that all the fish died while I was there and I can remember watching them float on the top of the water from a bridge while sipping fresco de malacuya.  Dengue or malaria was a problem for us and the people in Nicaragua.  I never got either, but some of my companions did. I did have a fever once so high that I began to hallucinate - seeing ants crawling all over people and things around me. I still have health impacts from that time. I have serious liver damage, possibly started from either the diseases or treatments that I had during those years.  

What does this have to do with Covid19 and our current quarantine conditions? 

It was the first time that I lived with pretty real risk of getting sick from serious diseases.  It was also clear how overwhelmed the health care system was. For the first six months of my mission we volunteered in the hospital in Leon most mornings. All the beds were full - sometimes with two people/bed. The hospital didn't have enough supplies or medicines.  Patients had to bring their own medicines most of the time. The Russian equipment was old and not always functional. They only had one set of electrodes for the EKG machine. That we were even allowed to work as nurses, orderlies, record keepers, etc with no training really showed how desperate they were for help.  Most of the time we did intake, helped set bones, moved patients around between departments, helped with minor surgeries, cleaned up after patients and treatments, ran errands for the doctors or nurses, and whatever else was needed.

 The impact of having these diseases was a drag on the economy as well as the physical health of people.  Nicaragua's economy was the worst in the Americas with high unemployment, educational problems, system corruption, a weak and unreliable democracy, but having a pretty high rate of malaria, dengue, cholera, yellow fever, parasites, poor water, etc. made it worse.  I think another impact of disease was more subtle. Just knowing that there was this risk changes behavior of people and investments. If you know that to go to Nicaragua you are encouraged/required to get a whole list of vaccines and potentially take medicine to prevent malaria, treat all liquids consumed as potentially contaminated and that food wasn't safe to eat, you might reconsider visiting Nicaragua.  You may choose to go to Costa Rica instead. You would stay in different hotels and eat different food.  You might not do business there or send your kids to study there.  

Covid19 quarantines are obviously hurting businesses and people that have lost their jobs. So many are closed and so many people unemployed, but I think some of the other impacts to the economy are because of the psychological impacts of people being scared - of the disease, of other people, of the government, etc.  Scared people are not rational and that encourages conspiracy theories. I think that is why Facebook is flooded right now with Plandemic and other nutjob videos. It is fear that is behind the protests where people bring their guns to the capital. Rational people can have a discussion and disagree amicably.  We aren't there right now and that is scary.  Nicaragua was that way too. Everyone polarized and tons of absurd rumors spreading that encouraged people to vote for strongmen like Daniel Ortega. Scared people don't want democracy - they want someone strong and are susceptible to extremism.  

The uncertainty also hurts the economy.  I feel this in my own life.  I want to plan summer vacation and activities, but I can't because I don't know what summer will be like.  Will we have the pool open? Will church open? Will I travel for work? I don't know.  I feel this at work.  Projects that require travel or international recruiting or investment - at a standstill.  Reduced capacity for lab and field work.  Prices dropping for corn, soy, meat. Animal production reducing herds and flocks. You can't invest confidently without the ability to make a plan and expect those plans to happen.  Nicaragua was full of this.  I understand now better people's unwillingness to make plans.  You just can't when so many things are out of your control.

There are some interesting differences.  Most of the diseases that we worried about were spread by a vector that we couldn't shut ourselves away from.  Mosquitoes were everywhere and we had mosquito nets and bug repellent, but they will bite you.  You can't hide from them completely and they spread many of the diseases - Malaria, dengue, now also Zika.  The water carried E. coli, amoebas, giardia. The food carried hepatitus, parasites, and bacterial food poisoning.  This disease is really carried by us. We are the vector.  We are the host and the carrier.  Quarantine and lockdowns does prevent infection and spread, where most of our diseases in Nicaragua we worried about were not something we could shut ourselves away from.  We could avoid eating street food, but we couldn't avoid eating and drinking entirely, and after a few weeks it was clear that no food was really safe, so I ate street food indiscriminately.  As annoying and potentially detrimental global shutdowns, travel restrictions, and quarantines are they do slow or prevent the spread of this virus.  

At some point we will have to figure out how to live with this disease.  The lockdowns will have to end and my guess is that the disease will not disappear. We will have to figure out how we can better test for, treat, and live with Covid19 like we live with other diseases.  Hopefully there will be a vaccine developed that will prevent infection.  Vaccines are a miracle.  When I worked in the hospital and saw measles, mumps, rubella, tetanus, diptheria, hepatitus, etc in real life, it really cemented how amazing vaccines are.  I hope one of the long term impacts of Covid19 is the end of the antivax movement.  But, even with a vaccine, we will need to learn to live with that risk and to face those fears.  Nicaraguans lived with a lot of fear every day - the economy, disease, crime - all worse than now, but still bravely and almost everyone we met were happy and worked so hard taking care of each other.  Besides a vaccine, that I think is the solution - we can combat fear through action. I don't mean arming yourself with a stupid gun.  Action - look for people that are hurting and help them.  Chose to live bravely in face of fear.

Chile Earthquake and COVID-19

By Esteban Maldonado from Santiago, Chile - Terremoto
27-FEB-2010 Vespucio Norte 23,
CC BY-SA 2.0,

I was in Chile in 2010 to look at corn plots in Rancagua. In the middle of the night my room started to shake - but it was slow and at first I thought, "what are the people next to me doing?" Then it sped up and got strong enough that I could hear glass breaking, ceiling tiles falling down. The mini-fridge pulled away from the wall and walked across the ground. I sat in the doorway of the bathroom while the water splashed out of the toilet and thought - I could really die.

Then, spent the rest of the week worrying about how we were going to get home and looking at corn plots. Restaurants were closed, gas was rationed, power was out, cell service was poor or nonexistent, the airport was closed, and there was some real damage - old buildings downtown, some of the older bridges and overpasses, a huge storage tank of wine broke near the farm spilling thousands of gallons of red wine. People died.

There was a surreal moment when we were driving and there was a film crew along the side of the bridge filming the collapsed older bridge next us. That is the image that was shown on TV - not the new bridge engineered to withstand a 9 point earthquake. It would have been a better story to me to show both bridges - one made to withstand the stress and one that did not. Buildings like my hotel were built with earthquake dampening features that made them safe even with strong stress.

The coverage of covid19 reminds me of that. It was both true that the earthquake had big damaging effects, and that the country was resilient and prepared. Both things were true. The same here. We can withstand this, but only if we take in that whole picture. I was really impressed with how the Chileans I worked with dealt with the aftershocks and the aftermath of the earthquake. They helped each other, they cleaned up, they waited in line, they rebuilt with stronger and better bridges. They didn't freak out. They knew this was a risk and knew that it probably would happen again.

We can do the same here. Quarantine will end, the disease will probably come back or there will be a different one. How do we look around - see who needs our help and what institutions need to be rebuilt on a better foundation? If we do that, then we will be prepared. I have seen a number of posts on all sides about how wrong the quarantine is or how the federal government screwed this up or that. In reality - we need to keep track of what we did wrong or right, but it doesn't do any good to be angry about it. Of course we didn't handle this right. No one involved really has done this before. What I am most interested in is how do we clean up from this mess and then get ready for next time.

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/2010_Chile_earthquake

2019 Highlights

As I look back at this year and compare to where I was last year, it is refreshing to realize that I am doing better this year.  It was a good year.  It had its ups and downs, but I feel like the future is brighter. 

A couple of reasons for that.  First, my health is better. Leila made me take a sleep study.  I told the doctor how tired I was, but that I didn't have sleep apnea.  I was wrong. I totally had sleep apnea - probably for years and years.  During the sleep study, I stopped breathing on average 40 times per hour.  Getting a CPAP was like one more step into middle age, but it is nice feeling awake and with more energy.  Even from the first night I could feel the difference.  I also kept swimming and running this year. Although I haven't lost any weight, I was in shape enough at the end of the summer to swim 2.5 miles in an open-water swim event here in St. Louis, do a small triathalon, and long runs during all my travels.  Leila also kept me supplied with business and self-help books and I really enjoyed the Happiness course from Yale I took on Coursera.

Most of this year and the end of last year, we were on again and off again about moving to Scotland.  In the end it did not work out for this year, and it was frustrating to be on the verge of making that big change, and then not doing it.  However,  it looks like we may be on track to really move next summer.  Hopefully Scotland doesn't leave the UK and Brexit doesn't throw a wrench in the whole deal.  Cross your fingers. I will be working still with Bayer, but at the University of Edinburgh  - you can take a short course with the new institute members (including me) in April! 

Some things are the same, but feel more manageable somehow.  I still have struggled with my faith this year, but have really enjoyed reading what is left of the mormon blogosphere (ldsblogs.org, ByCommonConsent, Wheat and Tares, and Times and Seasons) and the New Testament this year.  I taught Elder's Quorum and directed the choir.  The Elder's quorum lessons I used a bit of a formula to make teaching based on a conference talk interesting and informative for me breaking down each talk to the principles behind the talk, the scripture background of those principles, stories or examples to illustrate the principle, and the potential applications of the principle with the chalkboard divided into a square for each.  So that as the lesson progresses I can take notes in those areas and direct the class where I think we haven't covered. I have done kind of a terrible job directing the ward choir.

At work, I need to do a better job at juggling my many responsibilities and calendar that overflows with meetings, but I like the new members of the team and although I traveled quite a bit felt like it was manageable.

I still worry about too many things like climate change with effects on continued habitat loss, extinction of so many species, ocean temperatures, coral bleaching, etc. I worry about immigrants and refugees.  I worry about the oak trees in our neighborhood.  I worry about my job and whether I am doing the right things.  I worry about my kids and about Leila. Our politics are still a mess.  I hope we aren't looking at 4 more years of Trump, but am resigned to it if it happens.  But, I look at people and the world around me and I see things that make give me hope.  We found four turtles in our yard this year.  There are American Chestnut trees now resistant to disease.  More farms are growing cover crops. The economy is pretty good.  Electric cars are more common. Oysters are making a comeback with help around New York.  The Chesapeake bay is getting cleaner.  If we can keep wild places - nature will find a way.  Look at all of the wildlife in the demilitarized zone in Korea or around Chernobyl.

A lot going on with the rest of the family. For a snapshot:

1. Emily - now a sophomore at Truman state and well on her way to full grownup-hood living off campus in a house with four friends, her cat (Baby), and girlfriend (Celia - who totally won over the sisters by teaching them to play Magic the Gathering), This year she loved making a 30 inch coiled pot in Ceramics, her photolithograph her watercolor still life of ingredients to her favorite breakfast (grits, spinach and eggs) in Printmaking.  She worked at BP gas station and TacoBell this year. Book recommendations:  "Neither wolf nor Dog". Media recommendations: Narcos, The Expanse (with her dad - because he is so cool), and My Hero Academia.  
2. Aleah - is in 9th grade at Central High and also growing up too fast.  She will always remember her first debate and has enjoyed the climbing team. Her favorite thing this summer was walking with Grandma Brenda and her cousin Eliana's play.  She has been interested in house plants. Her strawberry plants keep dying, but has a prolific ivy, two spider plants, an avocado tree that made it almost all year, and cactus. She looks forward to getting her driver's license next year and is glad finals are over. She also has mastered making pancakes, hot chocolate with Pero, chocolate cookies and snickerdoodles 
3. Colleen - Sixth grade at Central Middle School where she has been busy in student council, makeup crew for the plays, started playing the french horn in the band, and is proud that she can do her own fancy braids. On swim team this summer she got faster in the older age categories with tough competition and really excelled at all her events. Her only regret is that one front flip off the diving board that went wrong and ended with a back flop. She also started taking tumbling and rock climbing - lots of cart wheels and hand stands.  She is almost done with Personal Progress. She is looking forward to all the fun summer things - girls camp and swimming. Book recommendations: Dragon Slippers - sooo good. Media: Dr Who, Monk, Studio C - but they haven't been posting much she says, and Dragon Prince. 
4. Kate - Fifth grade at Riverbend this year.  Her Granddad gave her a chess set when we went to visit this summer and she has enjoyed beating us all and joined chess club at school. Emily was her last victim today and lost twice in a row.  She did great in swim team this year learning butterfly and racing multiple events. She loved visiting grandparents this summer.  Scotland was not her favorite because it was was too noisy and made it hard for her to sleep.  Book recommendations - Harry Potter, Wings of Fire, Percy Jackson, Magnus Chase. Media: Doctor Who, Dragon Prince. 
5. Becca - First grade at Riverbend and has loved making new friends in Kindergarten and again in first grade - especially Cindy, Navea, Mika, Natalie, Lydia, and Bruce the dog. Becca's favorite things about school are meeting Natalie and learning to read. She lost her front teeth and is a little bit toothless right now.  She was in heaven when we visited the wolf sanctuary to see real wolves. She wants a pet dog or wolf soooo bad. She also started gymnastics, climbing and progressed a ton on the swim team this summer learning freestyle, butterfly, backstroke, and and butterfly. Recommended books: Harry Potter (J.K. Rowling's books are magic - it has been so fun to read them with fresh eyes with her and see Becca fall totally under their spell.) and Red - the True Story of Little Red Riding Hood. Media: Dragon Prince, Wild Kratts - to whom she wrote a letter and got a signed postcard and picture in return.    
6. Leila -  Leila launched her new website: Leilagardunia.com, started selling patterns, and a popular newsletter.  She also went to quilt market, took courses on making web pages, InDesign, and quilt conferences.  She loved visiting Scotland over spring break with the kids and I. This summer she returned from Girls camp energized, learned to play the ukulele, started exercising and ran a mile for the first time since 9th grade, and is training for a Tough Mudder race next summer. She is looking forward to moving to Scotland and doubling the size of her business, designing the 2021 block of the month for Michael Miller Fabrics, and the Tough Mudder race.  Book recommendations: so many audiobooks. Media: The Good Place.
7. Brian - I already wrote a lot about me but if you have made it this far, I put on some miles this year travelling: Scotland (2x),  Nigeria, San Diego, France, London, Georgia, North Dakota, Minnesota, Iowa, Idaho, and Washington.  My first patent on Haploid chipping published.   I kept swimming at the YMCA, did two open water swims - 1.25 miles and 2.5 miles in Simpson Lake, and took 2nd place in our neighborhood mini-triathlon, even with accidentally, maybe, probably, possibly running an extra lap. I was in a car accident this summer - totalled my Nissan Leaf, and decided to not replace my car and to instead bike to work or take the bus on days when it is icy and slick.  Book recommendations: Murderbot - by Martha Wells. I reread the novellas all over again this year.  Ancillary Justice.  The huge biography of Stalin I read for my book club with Greg. The Chosen again. The Binti novels.  The Adventure of Hermana Plunge - A mission memoir. I also read Dune and four Harry Potter books in Spanish. I read Rough Stone Rolling about Joseph Smith - but mostly came away upset at the complicated mess that polygamy made of the early years of the church. Media: Yesterday, Knives Out, The Expanse - Season 4 is awesome. The VlogBrothers and all things Nerdfighteria including CrashCourse, Into the Microverse, Poetry reading, the Anthropocene, and SciShow. The Radio Ambulate podcast, Reply All podcast, Levar Burton Reads podcast, Bon Appetit Youtube videos, and am back reading more blogs on an RSS reader to cut back on other social media and internet time wasting. 

Easter Sunday Talk

When Br. Layton asked me to speak on Easter, I immediately thought of this painting called the "Light of the world" that hangs in St Paul's Cathedral in London. 

Then when the roof of Notre Dame caught fire, I haven't been able to get it out of my head.  I first learned about it from Connie Willis' four time travel novels about WWII. She obsesses over the efforts of the Firewatch to keep the 700 year old wood roofs from catching fire during the Blitz.  

"The Light of the World" is an allegorical painting made by William Hunt in the 1850's.  Jesus stands at an overgrown door - without a handle, holding a lantern and his other hand raised to knock.  A visual metaphor for Rev. 3:20:

"Behold I stand at the door and knock, if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him and will sup with him, and he with me."

The characters in her books comment that the tone and character of the painting seems to change each time they look at it.  As if the message it conveys is different each time.  I think the scriptures can be like this.  You can read the same stories at different times with different needs and get a different message.  This year's study and focus on the New Testament has been a good one for me and I have noticed different messages as I have struggled some with my faith throughout this year.  It has felt like the scriptures seemed tuned to that frequency.  Many of the stories that leapt out to me seem to each had a focus on faith/doubt.

For example, Mark 5:30:

"He asked, What is the kingdom of God like or with what may we compare it?  It is like a mustard seed, which when it is sown in the earth, it is the smallest of all the seeds of the earth, but when it is sown, it sprouts and becomes greater than any of the plants, and it grows great branches, so that the birds of heaven are able to rest under it's shade."

It intrigues me because mustard seeds are not the smallest in the world - that probably goes to orchid species that have seeds that are like dust and blown in the wind they are so tiny. Mustard plants aren't even the largest plant - that certainly are trees that are larger than that.  Mustard species are winter or spring annuals so they require reseeding each year, although they may survive over winter.  This parable I don't see as simply as I once did.  Faith like a mustard seed might need to be replanted to grow enough to sustain the birds of heaven.  

And again, just a few verses later, they are in a boat and a storm rose.  The apostles were afraid and Jesus was asleep in the back of the boat.  They woke him because they thought they might die - He rebuked the wind and it stopped.  The storm listened to his words and obeyed.  Then he kind of rebuked his disciples. " Why are you fearful? Have you no faith?" And they were afraid.  

It is not as easy for us to believe as it is for the wind that knows its creators voice.  Even the disciples that walked with him and saw the miracles seem riddled with doubts and sometimes even deny that they knew him.  Peter did three times, because he was afraid.  Did his faith falter at that moment as well?  I think it must have.  I think even Jesus must have been frustrated and alone when people didn't seem to understand his teachings.  Either the writers of the gospels intentionally used the disciples incomprehension as a narrative device to explain to the reader the meaning of parables and teaching, or much of Jesus' life he taught students that didn't understand him.  He certainly felt alone and abandoned in his last moments in life.  

 I am not sure that as Mormons we are that good at Easter.  I attended my friend's Easter Vigil on Saturday and it was striking how important this religious holiday is to them. I once was in a ward where we planned out the topics and speakers for talks a year in advance.  But Easter is not a fixed date on the calendar and somehow we missed it.  The topic that week was from the Family Proclamation, not a word planned for Easter.  The last speaker kind of paused, realizing that she was the last speaker and no one was going to address it if she didn't - put down her prepared remarks and bore her testimony of Easter and the resurrected Christ.  

Why is Easter a wandering holiday? It is based on a lunar calendar to align with the commemoration of Passover an even older holy day that has double meaning for Christians during Easter.  We on this day remember:

The miraculous deliverance of Israel from slavery of the Egyptians. 

1. The night where the Angel of Death took the firstborn from all the houses in Egypt without the doorposts marked with the blood of an unblemished lamb. 
2. That they had to leave so fast that they had no time for leaven bread and ran for the sea.  
3. That the lord stood between them and the pursuing army like a pillar of smoke and fire. 
4. And that coming to the sea, the Lord parted the sea and the passed on dry ground with the walls of water on either side, which crashed down and drowned the pursuing Egyptian army.

The last days of Christ's life and his resurrection

1. On this week is when Jesus blessed bread and wine and told his disciples to remember his blood and his body.  He reminded them that he was like the Paschal lamb, unblemished and with the power to deliver them through his sacrifice. 
2. On this day we remember that he was betrayed and delivered to his enemies to be falsely accused, beaten, tortured and killed by crucifixion. 
3. We commemorate on this day that he knelt in prayer, wanting to know if the bitter cup could pass, but willing to do his father's will and as described in D&C 19:16 "For behold, I, God, have suffered these things for all that they might not suffer, if they repent. But if they would not repent they must suffer even as I.  Which suffering caused myself, even God, the greatest of all, to tremble because of pain, and to bleed at every pore and to suffer both body and spirit and would that I might not drink the bitter cup and shrink - Nevertheless, glory be to the father, and I partook and finished my preparations unto the children of men."
4. And this day we remember that the women that loved him came to anoint his body and finish the hurried burial arrangements, but the tomb was empty.
5. We remember Mary Magdalene in the garden, crying, "Where have they taken my Lord" to the two angels that sat where the body had been and that Jesus appeared, asking her " Whom do you seek? Women, why do you weep?  She thought he was the gardener and said to him, " Sir if you have taken him, tell me where you have laid him, and I will take him away." Jesus said to her "Mary" She turned and knew his voice and called him "Teacher"  He urged her not to hold him back because he had not ascended and she came and told the disciples, " I have seen the Lord!"
6. We remember that he returned and walked and talked with his disciples.  That he urged them to teach each other and the world about his doctrine's and history.  That he did overcome death.  
7. And for me, I remember Thomas and the other disciples that did not have a perfect faith in even the words of their friends and fellow apostles, but needed to see Christ for themselves, to hear his words, to see him eat and drink, and to touch his hands and feet.  

This brings me back to the "Light of the World." This is what we celebrate this day.  That the lights that went out on that terrible Friday afternoon came back brighter than ever on the Sunday morning.  In the painting the door is overgrown with weeds.  It is not in prime condition.  Christ waits and knocks even if we have struggles, especially then.  If we feel like we are alone or full of doubt.  He still stands at the door.  On the darkest nights, or our most depressing days, he stands with his lantern bright, waiting for us to hear his call and open the door.

Memory vs memoir

I saw this book on Bill Gates' reading list and was intrigued for two reasons: one because he raved about it and because it was the story of a Mormon woman from Eastern Idaho - which in my heart is still my home.  Leila rightly teases me a little because when someone asks me where I am from I almost always say that I am from Teton, ID, but I have not lived in Teton since I was 11 years old.  I spent my teenage years in Boise, and my grandparents both lived in Nampa.  My mom and siblings still live in Boise and I am sure that if you ask them where we are from, it is Boise.  But for some reason I can't articulate, in my heart, I am still from Teton, ID.  

I haven't lived in Idaho for over 20 years.  In 1995, I moved to Provo, UT to go to school at BYU, like the author of the book.  Unlike her though, I was not raised in an isolated homeschool environment. I got a superb education at Boise High - we had many teachers with PhDs, took all the AP courses I could handle, and lived on campus of BSU when my mom was a student.  I was most comfortable and happy in a classroom.  We moved from Provo to Texas where I worked on my PhD after finishing my masters at BYU.  Then we moved to Indiana, then Iowa, and now St. Louis.  

My life was very different from Tara Westover's - although there are some connections. Her brother Travis was in our stake in Indiana where he was working on a PhD and we were friends with some of the same people.  I am pretty sure that I met him at some point, but don't remember any conversation we would have had.  She went to BYU, but long after I graduated and our home life was not the same at all. I felt reading this book though some kinship with her - maybe because we both leveraged education to build our lives, and also because even though my life is very far from that of my childhood in Teton I can't really shake it.  Somehow, for the rest of my life, no matter where I move or what I do, I will still be the kid from Teton.  

Her writing in this book is compelling, and I appreciated her treatment of memory and its complicated relationship with the truth.  She has some pretty strong memories of the time when her brother was burned severely helping her father in the junkyard.  She remembers him alone coming to the house and he does not.  He remembers their father helping him and the entire event is different from her telling.  I tell a lot of stories to my kids about when I grew up and I bet if my siblings were here they would contradict many of the details.  I don't know why memory is so malleable, but I really do believe that we must have grown up in alternate realities.  That was driven home when I met my Dad in Hawaii after not seeing him for years and years.  His memory of what happened when he left us, was contradictory to mine.  It hurt to hear a version of the past that absolved him of some of the blame and put it on us.  

I have thought about writing a book - part popular science and part memoir about quinoa and my short time in Bolivia and studying quinoa and pairing that with the rise of quinoa as a superfood and an international household word.  But I worry about the reliability of my memory - not that I have any neurological problem, but that it is affected by the telling. That by building a story that is compelling and rich that I am overwriting the more complex reality and that once that story is told the original memory is deleted.  I think it is a compelling story to tell, but it does change with the telling. 

2018 in review

I am not sad to say goodbye to 2018.  There have been many good things about this year, and mainly difficult because I have struggled with depression and feeling overwhelmed.  I have struggled with some of my core religious beliefs and work has been overwhelming and not as much fun as it used to be.

   

At one of my project reviews, my boss's boss's boss told me that he thought I would come to work for free, since I was having way too much fun. Science may be boring at times, but it makes me happy when I have had my whole heart in it. This year has been a lot more of the management of science and less of the excitement of discovery.  Even though the team has done a ton of great things that unfortunately I can't talk about here. I am working hard to make changes that will bring back the things I have loved about being a scientist.  I have explored this year a bunch of different options from changing how I do my current job to changing jobs.  I don't have anything I can really announce here, but if you call me I can tell you about the options that we turned down and what could be in the future. You can follow me on twitter if you want to see what science I think is interesting: 

Brian.Gardunia - Twitter 

The news of the year has been not so great.  Too much Trump and pretty petty political drama.  I will leave Dave Barry to summarize the year.

The last two years I have interviewed the members of my family to see what were their favorite memories of the year.

Here are the highlights. 

1. Becca - 6. Loved eating donuts after swim team where she swam the 25 yd freestyle without a kickboard! She loves kindergarten with Ms. Lewis, her new friends, and celebrating all of the holidays.  Recommended TV show: Sophia the First. Food: Tamales, hot cocoa, Dad making dinner.
2. Kate -  9. Rocked the backstroke and freestyle in swim races.  If you remember that last year Kate almost didn't get baptized because she was too afraid to put her face in this is a miracle that keeps getting better every year. She started playing the violin and last year did daily announcements for her job.  Recommended TV: Crash Course mythology and Phineas and Ferb - Which she is still angry is not on Netflix any more. Books: Wings of Fire, Amulet, and Fairy Tale Reform School. Food: Rolls, Tamales, Orange Bread, Bagels, Donuts
3. Colleen - 11. Loved swim team this year and endured water polo.  She almost beat Natalie and swims all of the events and getting so fast.  She can beat her Dad at backstroke and butterfly.  She loves her friends Natalie, Liam and Drew.  She quit the viola, but has joined honors choir at school.  Recommended Books: Goose Girl, Dragon Slippers, and Forest Born. Recommended movie: Spiderman: Into the Spiderverse. 
4. Aleah - 14. Unlike her sisters, her favorite memory of swim team was when she was able to skip swim meets.  She hates the last week of middle school because everything has to be done at once.  Her favorite moment in school was when the band tried to have a democracy. In short, it didn't work very well.  She loves her art class.  Recommended media: Wreck-it Ralph 2, My Hero Academia, Short films on youtube. Books: Ghost, Skin Full of Shadows, Nimona, Fan fiction - Yesterday upon the stair. Food: Giant sandwich from El Toluco, Chinese takeout, and pies. 
5.  Emily - 18.  Freshman at Truman State majoring in Art.  Graduated high school in June.  Her favorite class was AP Studio Art last year.  She worked at Crazy Bowls and Wraps and liked everything at Girl's campe in spite of all of the ticks. We traveled together to Mexico City and spent four days walking through all of the markets and eating great food: nopales and blue corn huaraches, fried tamales, ceviche, refrescos in the morning, churros, all the fruit, and tacos made from all the parts of the pig's head. Recommended media: The Expanse, Drag Race, Chris Fleming on youtube, Star Wars Movie - you had to be there.  Podcasts: Reply All.  
6. Leila - Becca started school this year and Emily went to college.  That means no more late nights helping Emily with homework and time to focus on improving quilting business - design, website, teaching, writing, email lists, and patterns. Travel - France - especially Versailles, the Emerald Coast, and quiches in the morning. Iowa State Fair with the kids and to take photos for book/website.  San Diego - while Brian was at a conference - especially the San Diego Zoo. Mexico - the unvacation, work trip.  Quilting retreat in Hamilton. Find Leila's old blog here and keep an eye open for her new one. It is pretty great . . She also has an etsy shop with great patterns. Or find her on Instagram, Pinterest. Favorite food memories: Graduation party food, orange clove pull apart bread, eclairs, all the food in France.  Recommended books: Martin Luther biography, so many audio books.  Podcasts: Jenna Kucher - Gold Digger. Media: Great British Bake-off even with the new hosts. 
7. Brian - Bayer finally finished buying Monsanto and we added some great new people to my team.  For work I travelled to Winnepeg and Guelph in Canada, Louisville, KY, Huxley, IA, San Diego for PAG meetings and presented at a Gates Foundation meeting.  Leila and I traveled without kids!! to France to celebrate our 19th anniversary.  I had come to France once before for work, but that trip was mostly corn fields and a conference in Claremont Ferrand and not a lot of touristing. This trip we hit all of the best tourist spots - the Eiffel tower, museums in Paris, Versailles, Chartres Cathedral, Dinan, the Emerald Coast, Honfleur, Mont. St. Michel, and so many more places.  France was so good.  I also went with Emily to Mexico City and hit all my favorite food places.  Recommended Books: Murderbot series by Martha Wells, Educated by Tara Westover, The Calculating Stars by Mary Robinette, The Chosen - Chaim Potok, The Best Science Fiction of the Year edited by Neil Clarke. Media: The Expanse, Crash Course - Theater and Philosophy, Vlogbrothers, Bon Appetit Youtube videos. Food memories: homemade bagels, Pizza cooked on charcoal barbecue, poached eggs on salad, Rye bread, tacos in Mexico, bread in France, chocolate from Honfleur, Indian food on a date with Leila, Dinner at PAG with the Gates Foundation, bibimbap with friends from work,and  steamed puddings.