Wednesday, April 06, 2005

No motivation

I am not really depressed. I am not really happy. I am not really sad.

I am just monotone today. It is like a constant F flat in my head. There are moments where it fades and I feel ? ? ?

I don't know quite how now. That F flat is playing today.

Do you listen to Philip Glass? There are a number of his songs that are repetitive to a point where you would think that the performers would throw down their instruments and scream out an aria in C sharp major just to mix it up a little. That is how I feel with my life. I just haven't got up the courage to throw down my fiddle and start screaming.

I went to BYU to resolve things with my professors there. It is like none of it ever happened. It is like a dream that felt like a lifetime and then you wake up to find that it is almost the same time as when you fell asleep. Before I left, I sent an email with a tentative itinerary, outlining what I wanted to do. I asked for comments and for suggestions. In return, nothing. silence. ambivalence. when I got there, I proceded to start doing what I said on my itinerary. Response: "Ok, sounds good." "Where have you been eating for the past three days." "Oh, were you here till midnight working again? " Nothing. silence. ambivalence.

I went through all of the sequences and found all possible ligation points, restriction digestion sites, and vector contamination. Then I annotated them and sorted them by primer design and problem. Then I tested all the primers for ones without problems to see if the size was the same. Results: 95% that amplified were OK. 5% were not. This is error rate in sequencing so might have missed ligation site. Response: OK. Nothing. silence. ambivalence. Then I tested ones designed from other species and a subset of possibly messed up ones. Response OK, give us the good ones.

Then I did GISH. In one day. This is not that short of a protocol. I didn't finish. Response: Oh OK. Did they read my report? No. Did the look over the lab notebook with raw data? NO. Did they look over the sequencing data? NO. Did they have any questions. No. and NO.

Since then,

When I got back. I asked what they thought about my field plans here. Response: whatever you think is best.

Nothing. Silence. Ambivalence.

What a sweet melody of advice from my advisors on my graduate committees.

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